In Marvin's Room
I have been experimenting with rewiring my brain, at least with respect to the words I use. Trying to learn how to use positive reinforcements as opposed to negative discouragement.
So it's not "I am running too slow" but "I am making a great effort" that I think, or rather hear Coach Bennett of Nike Running say, when on a guided run.
I tell myself, "You have finally managed to sing those notes well after all these years" instead of "I should have practised and learned more".
And finally, it is not "When will you stop being lazy" but "You are learning and you do really well once you get on with it".
I haven't given up entirely on tough love. Just that I have realised that moderation is the key to everything in life. Be it love, hate, gluttony, healthiness, rest, perseverance, seriousness, merriness, planning, impulsiveness - anything. As long as I can avoid excess of anything, I should be fine - is what I have come to believe. But my struggle now is in grasping how moderation and ambition can co-exist. I doubt if ambitions can ever be achieved with a moderate approach. Maybe I should read and learn more about it and then I just might get some answers. But for now, I am going to ponder over something else that popped up in my mind when I was thinking about my goals, abilities, my approach. Potential.
Incidentally, I had to think about my potential last week in two very distinct capacities. Once, was in a personality test report that I was referring to for my professional strengths and areas of development. And the other was while running. The test report categorically called out that I should be mindful of the fact that I undermine my own potential. And Coach Bennett ended up saying something similar in my ears when I was running. Sure, the former was directly directed toward me while the latter was a generic recording that perhaps I read too much into, but I couldn't stop thinking about it as I was cooling down after my run. The report also said that having a vision and being ambitious are my strengths but I may end up being too hard on myself for not achieving my goals. My ambitious goals, which can possibly be unrealistic at times. It was hard not to think of every aspect of my life - personal or professional, as a child or as a grown-up, as a hobby or as a vocation - and look at it all through this lens of setting ambitious goals and then not be aware of my true potential.
Takes a lot of wisdom, time, and an external voice for me to be kind to myself. But I do it eventually. And I am sure I will get better at it with time. After all, it was only last year, or rather the year before that, that I learned to keep it kind and made it my 2022 resolution. And like any resolution, I did not do well in the act of self-kindness but I did not fail completely either. At least the rewiring and rephrasing exercises have taught me how to moderate tough love and inspire and encourage myself rather than criticise myself. So now let me explore my potential as I begin 2023.
I have always been an avid dreamer - figuratively and literally. My dreams are detailed, vivid, full of plots, and I manage to remember them quite well too. Similarly, I dream of big things for myself in all capacities and I keep thinking and pondering over them. But it is only recently that I have begun to truly understand my real potential. Don't get me wrong - I am not saying that I have been having unrealistic dreams all my life and now I have become aware of the harsh reality. Dreams and ideals should always be larger than life. It is just that I now know not to curse or ridicule myself for not having achieved some of them. I now know where to work harder and what to do better. There are so many patterns and commonalities that I see emerging - my singing, my writing, my fitness, my professional growth, my love-life, my emotional well-being, my relationships - there are huge ambitions across all of it and there is an untapped potential too that has eluded me all these years. But there are proof points of my potential here and there. Personal and professional achievements that are living proofs of what I can do and even surpass. All of this just means that I only need to show faith in my own abilities and be honest and true in my efforts. How hard can that be?
Well, let us answer that question next year and for now, start 2023 with a clear focus on exploring my fullest potential. But first, the most important task in all of this - to find the right music to go along with this garbled coherence of mine.
It can be overwhelming to think of all that one has to do, and it can make one extremely anxious when the vastness of anything becomes dauntingly evident. Can take your breath away right? I have noticed that in such moments, a deep breath always helps. So as I took a deep breath to think about my fullest potential and all the ambitions I have for myself, Rachel Portman's music from Marvin's Room calmed me down. The movie Marvin's Room is a dear one for me. I came across it when I had just fallen in love with Meryl Streep and Diane Keaton. So I was elated to see them together in a movie. Then as I watched it over and over again, and my love for movie soundtracks evolved, I was overjoyed to know that it was Rachel Portman's music that I was falling in love with every time I watched the movie. And lastly, it broke my heart to know more about Scott Mcpherson who wrote the original play Marvin's Room but at the same time, made the movie even more special in its own way.
Toward the end, there is a scene where Meryl Streep's Lee gets overwhelmed, pauses, and takes a breath. And then she gets on with it. Diane Keaton's Bessie bestows one of the most endearing smiles one can ever witness as she makes the mirror light shine on Lee. Rachel Portman's romantically soulful notes make Meryl Streep's face shine and eyes sparkle with love. And it becomes hard to not be filled with hope and possibility and love. For that is what Marvin's Room has always been for me.
Amidst a lot of hope and possibility, despite all the difficulties - that is where I am starting my 2023.
In Marvin's Room.
Comments
Post a Comment